How to Smoke a Cigar: A Guide for Noobs (NSFW)

Note: I wrote this article about 8 years ago and thought it would fun to post here. We’re not always preaching about serious stuff, after all.

A friend of one of my buddies told me he was about to smoke his first cigar and needed some advice (not quite sure how I have a buddy who has a friend that has never smoked a cigar). I gave him the skinny and thought I should share it with you fine people in case you were considering breaking your cigar cherry. If you are under 16 you’ve already read too far and you should slap your parents.

1. Find a cigar friendly place where adults are allowed to make their own decisions, or patronizing a business without the government legislating behavior on your behalf. The Amazon jungle or the Moon, for example. 

2. Select a premium stick and not a Dutch Master or Swisher Sweet. If you’re going to risk cancer you might as well do it in style. I suggest something in the $8-$25 dollar range. 

3. Like a porn star before an anal scene, evacuate your bowels prior to smoking. Unlike said porn star, eating prior is recommended. Access to a toilet is highly suggested. Wearing white pants is not, whether you are smoking a cigar or not. You’ll thank me later.

4. Select an area that is considerate of others and do not smoke around diners unless you suspect that they hate cigars, in which case sit exactly 2″ from their face. 

5. Use a proper cutter or punch. If using a cutter, remember what you begged your girlfriend in high school: “Just the Tip”. Hopefully you were also still in high school. I like a double v cut personally. Do not bite it off unless that’s all ya got. 

6. Light it with a match, cigar torch or spill. Not a crack lighter. Light the business end by toasting it, without charring it. Rotate it and make sure the entire circumference is lit. I’d tell you not to catch your beard on fire, but if this is your first cigar, you can’t grow one. 

7. It’s not a joint or a cigarette. Like Bill “Slick Willie” Clinton, DO NOT inhale. Unlike Bill, I prefer my cigars not infused.

8. Pick a drink that will hold up to the cigar. Ideally something cold and bitter, like you. Or perhaps something strong and sophisticated, unlike you.

9. Remember, you are in charge and it is an inanimate object. You are the boss. At least until your wife shows up. Or your actual boss.

10. It’s a cigar, not a dick. Don’t get it too wet and don’t hold it with two hands. Nestled between your index and ring fingers and resting on your thumb will suffice. 

11. Prepare for a nicotine buzz like you’ve never experienced and never will again. 

12. Be cool while smoking. If you have to try to be cool, you’re not cool, so stop trying. Don’t make the cigar the center of attention. It’s just another accessory, like your Nautical tie clip that came with the cologne. Let the smoke roll out of your nose and mouth. Don’t blow it. 

13. Don’t jibber jabber too much. OGs don’t flap their gums a lot. Otherwise your stick will go out and you’ll have to keep lighting it. 

14. Don’t ash it constantly. A well constructed stick can get several inches of ash. This ain’t your granny’s Marlboro menthol, but with practice you’ll know when it’s time to ash it. 

15. Open another button on your shirt. Feel that new hair on your chest. You’re a man now. Close your eyes and relish the feeling of your testicles descending. 

16. Scan the room. Find the hottest woman there. Yes, she’s looking at you. Ignore her. 

17. A cigar can leave your beard smelling smoky. I like to rinse it between cigars. I use the tears of my enemies because of their ample availability.

Now go change your pants.

You’re welcome,

Mark Palmer